|
Why did
you give no hint that night
That quickly after the morrow's dawn,
And calmly, as if indifferent quite,
You would close your term here, up and be gone
Where I could not follow
With wing of swallow
To gain one glimpse of you ever anon!
Never
to bid good-bye,
Or lip me the softest call,
Or utter a wish for a word, while I
Saw morning harden upon the wall,
Unmoved, unknowing
That your great going
Had place that moment, and altered all.
Excerpt
from "The Going" by Thomas Hardy
13
October 99
Gabe,
I
wanted to share with you some ordinary yet precious moments
of your brother's life here in Michigan. Whenever
I'd run into him, he'd mention a recent visit to
NYC to spend time with you or the latest occasion for
happiness in your life. I knew what was going on with
you through him. And now the only gift of comfort
that I can offer your brother in return is to tell
you of our Thursday chance meetings in Birmingham.
I'd recently convinced my work that it was
necessary for me to switch over to a flexible schedule,
so that I could devote an entire day each week
to my poetry and graduate studies. So every Thursday
I'd wander into town and grab some lunch or do
an errand during a break. And several times I saw your
brother and father at lunch at Amer's. There were
the exchanges of business cards and small talk while
your father patiently waited for his time with Jascha.
But I always left their table with an enormous
longing for my family. Their lunches were a weekly
reminder to me that it's the ordinary details and
moments that we miss when we live far away from people
we love. I always thought of you and how hard it
must have been for you to - like me - get use to a life
without family close by, and to actually be happy.
This
past Thursday, I spent all day thinking of
you and how numb you must have been packing whatever
you could remember into a bag and boarding a place
back to home that would/will never carry the same
weight or meaning. And a sudden rush of unease came
over me as I packed for my own brother's wedding in
Florida. We are both incredibly close to our families,
and I just felt such mixed emotions about being
present for my brother's wedding knowing you were
attending your brother's funeral. I couldn't compose
a speech for the rehearsal dinner without thinking
of your voice in front of everyone who knew and
loved your brother. But during the ceremony, we celebrated
the lives of grandparents who had died by releasing
butterflies into the fresh air and giving them
permission to fly out of sight. And I let my butterfly
go with you in mind, knowing that with all the
shivah calls and catered meals, there's been little
time alone to truly give in to the reality of your
loss. I don't have to know you well to know your love
for your brother. I understand because I've been a
sister for as many years; and our brothers are less than
a month apart in age. I will carry your brother's
smile in my heart, and am always here for you
if you find the quiet that has filled your life too unbearable.
My
thoughts are with you, as are Dave's. Please
let your father know that he's not the only one who
will miss his lunches with Jascha.
Love,
Rasheena
|